MAY 15, 2024
The question that changed everything for me
I’ve been asked many great questions in my life, but there’s one changed that everything for me.
It completely flipped how I look at my perfectionism, my critical voice and other self-sabotaging habits.
I use it frequently – with myself and my clients.
People often think I’m joking when they tell me about their self-sabotaging behaviour and I ask them this.
They think I’m trying to trap them, that I'm trying to point out the obvious.
But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Self-sabotage comes in many shapes and sizes – and this question will help you with all of them.
Today's example is centered around fear of failure.
Recently, a client was telling me allll about her tendency to procrastinate taking action on the things she knows she wants to do in her business.
“I don’t know why I keep doing this, I should know better”, she said.
Without getting into the details here (because they don’t matter for this),
here’s what I asked her:
“How is it serving you to keep putting it off?”
She looked at me blank and said “Well, obviously it isn’t.”
(Told you, sometimes people think I’m trying to trap them.)
But the truth is, it is serving you in some way, and understanding this will change your life.
We kept working on this until, eventually, she said:
“If I don‘t start, I can‘t fail”.
Bullseye.
Her procrastination serves her because it protects her from the uncomfortable emotions she is predicting to have in case she fails.
We could have spent all the time in the world working on productivity hacks and time management techniques – but they would all be bandaids, because this is where the real work lies.
Until we can make the possibility of failure feel safer, she will continue to find ways to put off the thing.
Because she will have tried.
And, subjectively, having tried and failed feels far worse than failing because “you never got around to it".
When you run into a pattern of self-sabotage, ask yourself honestly:
“how is this serving me?”
(At the risk of stating the obvious, that’s the question that changed everything).
Your behavior may protect you from failure, like my client's procrastination.
It may help you feel safe because it’s familiar.
It may allow you to feel like you fit in.
Usually, at the very core, it has something to do with feeling safe or feeling loved.
Whatever it may be, it is serving you, and the sooner you can find out how, the sooner you can tackle the actual barrier.
Considering this question not only leads you to this deeper work, it also opens up a route to understanding. A part of you is just trying to keep you safe – can you meet it with compassion?
My friend, how is your seemingly un-serving behavior serving you?
“The upside of never trying is never having to feel the pain of failure.” (Naval Ravikant)
Rooting for you,
Charlotte
P.S. Whenever you’re ready, here's how I can support you:
1. Book a 1:1 Power Hour with me – a one-time intensive coaching call where we'll develop a clear path forward and address the mindset shifts necessary for your success. Learn more about what we can work on and book your slot here.
2. Join me for 1:1 business coaching. Working with me isn't just about scaling your business or brand, it's about scaling you. I’ve helped countless clients navigate their path with clarity, ease and confidence. Don't settle for the hustle-norm, and redefine success with balance at its heart. Apply here.
Subscribe to the Newsletter
Join thousands of readers getting actionable tips and strategies on mental mastery, lifestyle design and solopreneurship every Wednesday. Why wait for the weekend?
Hi, I'm Charlotte. I help ambitious women start and grow online businesses that aren't just successful, but also provide joy and freedom.
Time freedom.
Location freedom.
Financial freedom.
But most of all, mental freedom.
Create your life
by design.
Join us.
© 2024 themindfriend OÜ. All Rights Reserved.